My Fertility Journey

I never planned on discussing my fertility story and sharing my experience with my followers. I felt like this was where I wanted to draw the line and it was something I was going to keep private. However, it has been something that has been on my mind for a while now. I think the reason I’ve decided to write about this now is because I feel like I am in a really good place and if it could help someone in a similar situation to mine, then this would be worth it. 

James and I got married at 25. James was always more keen to start a family at a young age than I was. I felt it was easier for James to feel ready for a baby as I knew it would have more of an impact on my everyday life than his. When we got married we lived in a flat and for me I didn’t feel it was where I wanted to start a family. Time went by and we moved into our house 2 years later and once we had settled in our new home I felt really ready to start a family. I don’t know about other people but I always had that small worry in the back of my head that maybe it would take me a long time to fall pregnant. I had been on the pill for about 15 years and couldn’t wait to stop taking it, to get it out my system and start the process of trying for a baby. I have heard a lot of people say you should come off the pill months in advance to get your periods back to normal, but for me I felt like until I was really ready I would stick with using the contraception I was used to. So when I came off the pill I had what was classed as my pill period and then I continued to not take the pill. That first month I found really exciting. Every time James and I had sex it was that excitement that this could be the time we were actually going to make a baby. After about 4 weeks of not being on the pill I was intrigued to see what was going to happen. I hadn’t experienced a natural period in nearly 15 years so I didn’t really know what I was expecting. I didn’t know what and if I would have period pains, what sort of cycle I would had, or maybe just maybe I could already be pregnant. Once I headed into the 5th week of no period I decided to buy a pregnancy test. Of course this was exciting because if you have been having unprotected sex and haven’t come on your period for over a month, it is not unreasonable to hope and maybe think that you could be pregnant. Sadly the test was negative and I was a bit upset but I knew it had only been a few weeks and really I didn’t expect to fall pregnant that quickly. I think one of the things I found most difficult is just because you get a negative test, does not mean that you are technically not pregnant. It can be that it is just too early so although a test can be negative..... a few days later when no period has arrived, it’s hard not to feel the need to take another test. I don’t actually even remember how many tests I ended up taking but 2 months went by and I still didn’t have a period. For me this became a head fuck. Any twinge in my tummy or pain in my boob confused me. Was this the sign of my period coming or was it the signs of pregnancy. Every time James and I would have sex would be another chance that maybe those pains or twinges or any symptom I conjured up in my head were the result of being pregnant. Also most period symptoms are the same or very similar to early pregnancy symptoms so that also was really confusing for me. Trying for a baby with no clue of a cycle can become extremely disheartening and difficult because you don’t know when your ovulating. I know this all probably sounds a bit extreme for only the first few months of trying for a baby but I think my absent periods were beginning to make the process stressful which is never good. A few months before we started trying for a baby I found out my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. My world shattered into a million pieces and I really struggled with this news. Thank God she is now perfectly well but I don’t think I realise how badly this affected me psychologically at the time. I became really focused on my exercise and food regime which was really important to me and it was my escape to release any negative energy I felt I had. Months continued to go by and still no period. At this point I felt like it was time to go and see someone. After numerous blood tests and scans it became apparent that my periods were absent due to my low body fat content and over exercising. I was shocked. I actually remember leaving the appointment and I believed that the gynaecologist had got it wrong and it was just her opinion. I was completely blinded by how much weight I had lost because to me, absent periods due to being too thin meant I had to look like skin and bones and I didn’t. Her advice to me was cut down on the cardio and up the carbs. As I believed I didn’t have a problem I thought this seemed easy enough. I soon realised I very much had a serious issue. I struggled massively to change my diet and lower the exercise with the fear of putting on weight. I know this may sound stupid to some people because when you are pregnant you obviously put on weight but something in my head just wouldn’t let me make those changes. It became obvious quite quickly that I needed to accept I had an issue and I decided to see someone about it. It took a lot of courage but I actually went to the doctor to see if I could get a referral to see someone. The doctor I saw actually turned around and told me, ‘well you don’t look anorexic.’ I was mortified and embarrassed as I was never suggesting that I was anorexic but that really made me feel stupid for going and made me think I wasn’t thin enough to have a problem which really set me back. With a few friends persuasion I decided to go down the private route instead. Looking back I’m so angry how that doctor reacted because that could have caused me a major issue! Luckily for me my friends had my back and convinced me to get the help I needed. I remember thinking to myself I just need to gain some weight so I can get pregnant and then I’ll go back to this weight and the food that I’m eating and the exercise that I’m doing in order to look this way again. I am so happy I no longer have that mind set. Now being a mum to two healthy gorgeous babies I would never want to give them any ideas or let them catch on to such a bad and dangerous lifestyle and habits that I had. I am no longer a priority. My children are, and I think this is the main reason I wanted to share this story. Alongside seeing someone about my eating issues I was also put on medication to help bring back my periods. I was put on tablets called Provera, which were to bring on my periods. I then had to have blood tests on day 21 of my cycle to see if I was naturally ovulating. After this period I actually came on naturally without taking the tablets again, so i was convinced I had ovulated. My cycles was only 3 weeks so I had this natural period before getting the results from my blood test. Sadly the test came back to show that I didn’t ovulate. I was completely unaware that you can in fact have a period and not ovulate. At this point I was trying my best to put on weight but i knew i needed to get into a good headspace too for this process to be successful. I was then put on medication called Clomid which is to help you ovulate. I was put on a dose of 50mg to start with and again I would have blood tests on day 21 of my cycle to check if I ovulated. If not, my dose would be increased on my next cycle. My blood tests again showed that these new tablets did not make me ovulate. Each month became harder and harder receiving bad news. I knew deep down that it was consuming me too much for things to go well and I had to change my mind set. By this point is had been 9 months and still we had not fallen pregnant. What I really struggled with, was the pressure from others. I know that people do not intentionally ask the question to upset people, but really it’s such a personal topic and it’s just quite ignorant when people say things. James and I had been married for 3 years and I constantly got asked, ‘so when are you having a baby?’ Or ‘I thought you would have had a baby by now!’ These comments killed me. I did make a mistake quite early on in the trying process of being too open. Soon I realised I should never have said anything. Friends all around us were falling pregnant which was very bitter sweet, because you are happy for everyone but at the same time you struggle to not be jealous or upset for yourself. I then got put on a higher dose of clomid 75mg and the process continued. I took the tablets for 5 days and in those 5 days the symptoms would hit me. The worst was waking up in the night in literally a pool of sweat. I had to sleep with the window open and fan on in the height of winter. Poor james lol! So I had standard blood test on day 21 and finally the result I needed.... I ovulated!!!! As you can only imagine that month we had sex a lot. Sadly when you are on medication and having blood tests and follicle tracking, there is nothing romantic about having sex. It’s planned, staged and complete and utter pressure. We never got that fun experience of just go with the flow and have sex whenever. Because I couldn’t ovulate or have periods without taking medication it was all very structured. Now that I was on the correct dose of Clomid we were then informed roughly what days would be best to have sex and then it’s that dreading 2 week wait before you can take a test. I decided to buy some ovulation sticks to find out the prime time to have sex. This was a big mistake for me. I bought the clear blue ones which can either show that you are not ovulating, they show a flashing smiley face which means you are about to ovulate and you should have sex, and lastly a solid smiley face which pretty much means today is the best day so make sure you have sex. I got a flashing smiley face 13 days in a row...... so you can imagine how bloody tiring that was! I remember reading the leaflet after a few days and it said that on average you will receive a maximum of 4/5 flashing smileys and then you will get the solid face. 1% of woman will get 9days of a flashing smiley but any more than that and you should right off that month. Well after 13 days of a flashing smiley I gave up. Not only did this completely destroy me emotionally, but it made me so stressed that I never came on my period that month. Now obviously with this came the hope that maybe I was pregnant. After waiting a further 2 weeks of no period I had to have blood tests to check I wasn’t pregnant so I could take the Provera again to bring on my next period. I think for me this seriously showed how the mind is so powerful. My periods had come on their own since starting the Clomid and from so much stress they stopped. I knew that the next cycle I needed to be more relaxed. Of course this is easier said than done because you can’t just relax on demand. I would stress that I was stressing!! It’s just a completely vicious cycle. The person I was seeing in the meantime really helped me with meditation and getting in the right headspace. So I took the tablets to bring on my period and then took the Clomid and obviously decided to not bother with the ovulation sticks. As I still wasn’t too sure on my cycle we had to have sex quite a lot. Sadly after 24 days I came on my period. I remember being heartbroken yet again. It’s funny because for 10months I wanted a period so much and then the sight of it arriving killed me. I had my day where I was devastated and then something just clicked. It’s like I had my lightbulb moment. Although I was so gutted I came on I tried to see the postitive side. My period had come back on its own without having to take the Provera. The month before it didn’t come on its own due to stress. Not only that but every time I was coming on my period naturally, was another cycle I could work off. I was becoming familiar with my cycles and started to realise they were really short. I clung onto all these positive things. Day one started again but this time I was only seeing positive. I was reading books like the secret and meditating daily. I stopped letting negative thoughts consume me. I was eating well and had now gained just under a stone since realising I needed help. I tried to not think about what day of the cycle I was on and just went with it. I actually booked an appointment with a new gynaecologist as I didn’t feel like I really connected with the gynaecologist I had been seeing. I went to meet her on day 24 of my current cycle. She was so lovely and touch on everything I felt my other gynaecologist should have. She made me take a pregnancy test which came back negative and although at first I was upset I told myself that maybe it was just too early. I also had a progesterone blood test for her to check if I ovulated that cycle. It was interesting because her approach was quite different. Although I knew I ovulated on 75mg of Clomid when I was first put on it, that didn’t necessary mean I was ovulating every month. She just generally seemed more thorough. That’s definitely one of my main pieces of advice. Make sure you are really happy with the consultant you see. I should have changed mine months before I did and that could have made a difference. I told myself that I would not take another pregnancy test until I got the results from my progesterone blood test as to whether I had ovulated. Luckily I had the test on a Friday so the weekend allowed me to keep busy. The mind is a very powerful tool and can sometimes make you think things when they aren’t even true. Throughout the whole process there were months I was convinced I was pregnant. I would feel nauseas, go off food, crave foods, get sore nipples, have vivid dreams. These would all happen yet I was never pregnant. I eventually tried to ignore these ‘symptoms’. Whilst waiting for the results of this blood test, I had symptoms. I remember having pains in my legs over the weekend and sharp rib pains. Again I tried to ignore this as I didn’t want to get let down again. My weekend was really busy as I had my best friends baby shower which I had organised. The next day at work I was absolutely shattered. I remember feeling as though I needed a nap and I couldn’t wait to get home. I usually went to the gym on a Monday but just felt I couldn’t go. When I got home I remember not fancying my dinner and I didn’t really want anything to eat. I had had these symptoms before so I was jumping to any conclusions yet. Later in the evening (don’t ask me why) I was looking at my nipples as I thought they looked really weird. They had little bumps all over them and I obviously started googling. I even remember asking james to tell me if this is what they normally looked like as I wasn’t sure if I was just looking for signs. I then got a phone call from my gynaecologist and she told me I had ovulated and in fact my progesterone levels were very high. I just knew...... I knew she was kind of telling me I was pregnant. I also had a weird feeling it could be more than one. As desperate as I was to take a test there and then I didn’t think my heart could face another negative test. With this in mind I wanted to wait until the morning because the first wee of the day is always the most likely to show up a positive as it’s the most concentrated. Somehow I actually slept that night. I didn’t tell James I was going to take a test in the morning. James was actually sleeping on the sofa as he had just had knee surgery and sleeping on the sofa was easier for him and also meant I wouldn’t knock his knee. I remember waking at about 6.30am and of course the first thing I thought of was taking a test. It was maybe the first morning I’ve ever woken not needing the toilet. Obviously this was psychological! I didn’t want to take the test until I really needed the toilet! By about 7 I just thought I needed to go and take the test because I felt ill thinking about it. 

I remember it like it was yesterday. Those few minutes when you have to wait before looking at the stick is painful and so slow. Although I kind of maybe thought I was pregnant.... when you have seen so many negative tests you never really expect it to say pregnant. And it did!! I started crying immediately. I was shaking and just couldn’t believe it. 

I ran downstairs with this test, bearing in mind it had wee all over it and I woke James up with this pee stick in his face to tell him we were pregnant!!! By far one of the most memorable, special and best moments of my life. My experience was a tough one because I had to face some issues I never wanted to admit to myself. My journey may not seem like a long one to some but when you spend a year of your life trying to get something you want more than anything and you don’t know if and when it will happen it can consume you. I wanted to tell my story because if it can help just one person then for me it was worth telling. The minute you get married the questions start..... when are you going to have a baby. If anyone is reading this, one thing to take from this is to learn not to ask this question. As women I think we put enough pressure on ourselves about starting a family and hoping it is something that will be easy. External pressures never help. When you know someone’s pregnant, that’s when you’re meant to know. Until you are told, you don’t need to know. Will I have more kids?? Who knows? Can I fall pregnant without assistance.... who knows? All I do know is that I have been absolutely blessed with 2 beautiful, healthy children and if I am lucky enough to have more then that’s amazing. X